{"id":13112,"date":"2019-09-26T09:00:32","date_gmt":"2019-09-26T13:00:32","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/wordpress-537697-2997182.cloudwaysapps.com\/?p=13112"},"modified":"2022-10-09T07:19:42","modified_gmt":"2022-10-09T11:19:42","slug":"descent-into-homelessness-stop-all-the-clocks","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/wordpress-537697-2997182.cloudwaysapps.com\/descent-into-homelessness-stop-all-the-clocks\/","title":{"rendered":"Descent Into Homelessness: Stop All the Clocks"},"content":{"rendered":"
Editor\u2019s note<\/strong>: <\/strong>In this six-part series, Denise documents her journey through homelessness. From normality, to troubled and teetering to full blown devastation and back again, she shares her story: Descent into Homelessness. This is part two; click here for part one<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n Bear is dead.<\/p>\n Bear is dead, and in an instant, the wobbly little scaffold that was keeping me together collapses and crashes in pieces all around me.<\/p>\n I’m broken.<\/p>\n I’m done.<\/p>\n It’s a week before my birthday and the only thing left in my life that I actually give two shits about is lying dead on a table in front of me.<\/p>\n I literally cannot bear it. I feel my head implode.<\/p>\n My phone starts to ring. I ignore it. It rings again. This time I answer, attempting to explain through my tsunami of tears to some poor, unsuspecting, faceless person on the other end. \u201cNo, actually, I can\u2019t talk right now, that my world is crashing down around me and so I really do not want to buy their life insurance, or a phone contract, or double-glazing or whatever it is they are trying to sell to me today.\u201d<\/p>\n I hang up before they get a chance to draw breath.<\/p>\n I’m ushered into a side room. I\u2019d like to think that it’s because the staff care enough about me and Bear to want to make sure that I’m ok. But in reality, I think they just don’t want me scaring anyone else in here with my madness.<\/p>\n They make me cups of tea. A box of tissues appears. The staff tells me to stay as long as I like until I’m feeling better.<\/p>\n As of today, hell will literally freeze over before that can happen.<\/p>\n I just can’t bear to leave him here, in this place that he hated. It always used to scare him. His very own Room 101. I try to tell myself that at least he doesn’t have to be scared anymore, although that’s little consolation. None at all, actually.<\/p>\n The staff are getting twitchy now. They tell me that if I’m ready, they will take it from here. He’s my friend, my wingman, my everything right now. A furry, one-eyed ball of glue that was the only thing keeping me together. It’s incomprehensible to me that the next time I see him he will be just ashes in a box. He doesn’t belong in a box … He belongs here … with me.<\/p>\n I wish that I could tell them that, but I can’t formulate the words. And anyway, I know that I don\u2019t actually have a say in this now. He’s dead and I’m grieving. I’m not thinking rationally.<\/p>\n The staff have got a job to do. I need to let them do that.<\/p>\n I finally let them take him and then I’m shown out of the side door.<\/p>\n I cry all the way back to the caravan park, fully aware that I must look a bit deranged. I don’t actually care if I’m honest. So if anyone asks me, I will say \u201cYes; yes, I am deranged actually, thank you for asking\u201d… because as of this moment it’s true.<\/p>\n Maybe they will console me, or take me somewhere warm, possibly give me a shot of something so that in my dreams this isn’t actually happening. Then my life won’t be a car-crash and Bear will not be dead.<\/p>\n Only no-one stops to console me. Or take me somewhere warm.<\/p>\n There will be no shot to take my mind off things. I simply walk on in the rain instead.<\/p>\n I literally cannot take this. It’s too much. My heart was already broken … now it lies shattered, fragmented, in pieces.<\/p>\n Like me.<\/p>\n It’s raining outside. Floods, actually. My tears make it look like a drizzle.<\/p>\n I don’t bother to change out of my clothes, I don’t have it in me to care that I’m soaked. Instead, I cry, and I cry, and I rage, and I rage … at the ceiling, a cushion, the walls and the sky. I tell God that he can stop now. That there’s nothing left to take.<\/p>\n I don’t think that he’s listening. Or maybe, I tell myself, he just doesn’t care.<\/p>\n I look at Bear\u2019s bowls in the corner on the floor. I was hoping that he would be needing them tonight.<\/p>\n Only today has shown me that there is no hope now. There wasn’t for him and there isn’t for me.<\/p>\n And I realise with absolute conviction and clarity, that I literally give no fucks about anything now from here-on in.<\/p>\n I’ve had it with this shit.<\/p>\n I’m finished.<\/p>\n I’m done.<\/p>\n I want out …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Editor\u2019s note: In this six-part series, Denise documents her journey through homelessness. From normality, to troubled and teetering to full blown devastation and back again, she shares her story: Descent into Homelessness. This is part two; click here for part … Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":21,"featured_media":13114,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[8730,316],"tags":[253,832,515,508,12053,12052],"coauthors":[11217],"acf":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/wordpress-537697-2997182.cloudwaysapps.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13112"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/wordpress-537697-2997182.cloudwaysapps.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/wordpress-537697-2997182.cloudwaysapps.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wordpress-537697-2997182.cloudwaysapps.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/21"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wordpress-537697-2997182.cloudwaysapps.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=13112"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/wordpress-537697-2997182.cloudwaysapps.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13112\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":19606,"href":"https:\/\/wordpress-537697-2997182.cloudwaysapps.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13112\/revisions\/19606"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wordpress-537697-2997182.cloudwaysapps.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/13114"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/wordpress-537697-2997182.cloudwaysapps.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=13112"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wordpress-537697-2997182.cloudwaysapps.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=13112"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wordpress-537697-2997182.cloudwaysapps.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=13112"},{"taxonomy":"author","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/wordpress-537697-2997182.cloudwaysapps.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/coauthors?post=13112"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}I stay for what feels like an eternity.<\/h4>\n
\nOnly I\u2019m not ready. I’ll never be ready for this day. So no, I don’t want them \u201ctaking it” whatever that means. And I definitely don’t want them taking him.<\/p>\nWithin seconds I’m alone and out on the street.<\/h4>\n
An eternity later, I get back to my van and curl up on the sofa.<\/h4>\n